Funny Quotes

Here is a list of the funniest quotes from the Harry Potter books.
"Yer great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore. Dursley, don' worry." -Hagrid

"But it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig there wasn't much left ter do." -Hagrid

"We tried to shut him ina pyramid," he told Harry. "But Mum spotted us."-George

"Oh, are you a prefect Percy? You should have said something we had no idea."
"Hang on I think I remember him saying something about it, Once..."
"Or twice-"
"A minute-"
"All summer-"-Fred & George

"Well...when we were in our first year, Harry--young, care free, and innocent --" Harry snorted. He doubted whether Fred and George had ever been innocent.

"Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there.
"Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself."

"Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She - er got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first." - Oliver Wood

"D'you know what that-" (he called Snape something that made Hermione say "Ron!")"-is making me do? I've got to scrub out the bedpans in the hospital wing. Without magic! " He was breathing deeply, his fist clenched. "why could'nt Black have hidden in Spape'd office. eh? He could have finished him off for us!" -Ron

"My dears Which one of you left his seat first? Which?"
"Dunno," said Ron, looking uneasily at Harry.
"I doubt it will make a difference," said Proffesor McGonagall coldy, "unless a mad axe-man is waiting outsid the doors to slaughter the first into the entrance hall." -Proffesor Trelawney, Ron, Professor McGonagall

"I was saying that Saturn was surely in a position of power in the heavens at the moment of your birth...your dark hair...your mean stature...tragic losses so young in life...I think I am right in saying, my dear, that you were born in midwinter?"
"No," said Harry, "I was born in July."
Ron hastily turned his laugh into a hacking cough. -Proffesor Trelawney, Harry, Ron.

(Lavendar)"Oh Professor look! I think I found an unaspected planet! Oooh, which one's that, Professor?"
"It is Uranus my dear." said Professor Trelawney peering down a the chart.
"Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?" said Ron.

"Aaaah," said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mystical whisper, "when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born."

"Mad-Eye Moody?" said George thoughtfully, spreading marmalade on his toast. "Isn't he that nuttter-"
"Your father thinks very highly of Mad-Eye Moody," said Mrs. Weasley sternly.
"Yeah, well, Dad collects plugs, doesn't he?" said Fred quietly as Mrs. Weasley left the room. "Birds of a feather..."

One of them was a very old wizard who was wearing a long flowery nightgown. The other was clearly a Ministry wizard; he was holding out a pair of pinstriped trousers and almost crying with exasperation.
"Just put them on, Archie, there's a good chap. You can't walk around like that, the Muggle at the gate's already getting suspicious--"
"I bought this in a Muggle shop," said the old wizard stubbornly. "Muggles wear them."
"Muggle women wear them, Archie, not the men, they wear these," said the Ministry wizard, and he brandished the pinstriped trousers.
"I'm not putting them on," said old Archie in indignation. "I like a healthy breeze 'round my privates, thanks."

"What's happening at Hogwarts, Dad?" said Fred at once.
"What are they talking about ?"
"You'll find out soon enough ," said Mr. Weasley, smiling.
"It's classifeid information, until such time as the Ministry decides to realese it," said Percy stiffly.
"Mr. Crouch was quite right not to disclose it."
"Oh, shut up, Weatherby," said Fred.

"Excuse me, I don't like people just because they're handsome!" said Hermione indignantly.
Ron gave a loud false cough, which sounded oddly like "Lockhart!"

"Poor old Snuffles," said Ron breathing deeply. "He must really like you, Harry....Imagine having to live off rats."

"What's the betting she comes back with a box of I hate Rita Skeeter badges ?" said Ron

"Aren't you two ever going to read Hogwarts, A History ?"
"What's the point?" said Ron. "You know it by heart, we can just ask you."